Part 3 of 4: The four non-negotiable skills you absolutely need to stop the Depression spiral in its tracks.

In part I, I promised to share “the skills you absolutely need to stop the Depression spiral.”

I’ll break each one down and show how they work successively to freeze the Depression Spiral in its tracks like an ice beam from a level 99 Articuno.

Let’s look at those now.

On the surface, it may seem like the Depression Spiral is an unbeatable, invisible adversary.

It is absolutely not.

“Turn and face the dragon (your fear), and soon you will see it was a rabbit all along.”

Jordan Peterson

In Tic Tac Toe, there are a few, timeless moves to secure a two-way win. There are such techniques that, when applied, will inevitably stop a Depression spiral.

On this page, I’m going to show them to you.

Technique One: Forgiveness. Within this word holds the difference between a downward spiral into the Darkness, and an upward spiral into the Light.

When a six month old baby tries to stand up and falls on its face, we are quick to say “It’s okay. Nice try!”

But, when we make a mistake, we tell ourselves “Why did I do that?” “How could I be so stupid?” “Fuck man, I fucked up again.”

Imagine saying that to a baby: “Why did you do that?” “How can you be so stupid? “Fuck man, you fucked up again.”

That’s uncool, right?

We’re good at forgiving others.

Not so good at forgiving ourselves.

The solution is…

Technique One: The Forgiveness Technique:

After every mistake that arises in your mind, whether it happened 10 years ago or 10 milliseconds ago, say this to yourself:

“I forgive myself for what I did.”

And if your inner critic makes any objections (which he likely will), respond with,

“I hear that, and I still forgive myself.”

You KEEP responding in this way until the inner critic becomes quiet. The inner critic is relentless. So you be MORE relentless.

Until the inner critic says, “Wait.. really?” Then you say,

“Yes, because I choose to love myself.”

You may notice your shoulders relax at that exact moment. This is how you know it worked.

This adds a new step to the cycle that blocks you from spiraling into overwhelm, then escapism, then Depression, then overwhelm again, and so on.

Cycle of Darkness with Forgiveness Technique:

[DIAGRAM PLACEHOLDER: Cycle of Darkness with Forgiveness Technique]

That’s HUGE.

It’ll take time, but like any skill, soon you’ll be good at it.

Practice, practice, practice.

You’ve literally got NOTHING better to do.

Forgiveness is the skill of champions. Of gods. Of people who have found peace.

It’s a lot easier to learn than a language, and you learned the English language since you’re reading this guide.

And if you fail at forgiveness, forgive yourself for not forgiving yourself.

Let forgiveness have the last word all the time!

Why end a mistake with shame, when you can end it with forgiveness?!

You have unlimited forgiveness bullets. Don’t be frugal with them. Go H.A.M. YOLO.

But sometimes, the inner critic is on steroids and won’t let forgiveness have the last word.

You’ll need something bigger.

Try the following technique.

Technique Two: The Whole Story Technique.

This technique is the cavalry. The contingency plan if forgiveness bullets don’t quite get the job done.

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[PHOTO PLACEHOLDER: Gif of helms deep rohirrim and gandalf]

To illustrate, let’s say you woke up late…again. The inner critic begins his tirade:

“You’re irritable.” “A failure.” “The day is lost”. “So little time left today.” “How are you going to ever make it.”

Essentially, a trial with judge, jury, and lawyer has commenced.

You’re the defendant.

Your “crime”: Failing to wake up early, which the prosecution believes will have cascading negative effects on the rest of your life.

The Inner Critic is simultaneously the prosecuting attorney, judge, and jury. He has said his case all day. And is about to give you your sentence: constant internal lashings to remind you that you aren’t good enough and need to be better for the next 3-90+ days.

This is typically how things go after a perceived failure.

But, this time will be different.

Enter the Whole Story Technique.

First, you call in a Defense attorney for yourself because it’s quite unfair to have a prosecution attorney but no defense attorney.

Who will defend your honor?

So you bring in a defense attorney, and he speaks to the reasons, defenses, justifications, and plausible causes for why you failed to wake up early:

“My client had a rough day, and life, for that matter. Look at him. Yes, he had a few drinks last night. Okay, maybe more than a few. But, the stress has been unbearable. He’s doing his absolute best. He didn’t hurt anyone and he’s prepared to learn. Yes, he woke up late. But, he isn’t deliberately trying to sleep in. He’s just hungover AF. Staying up and having a drink/binging TV seemed like a good idea at the time, given he was being tormented hours on end by the prosecution attorney, who’s such a dick, if I may add. He also feels he doesn’t have much to look forward to, so it makes getting out of bed that much harder. But you know what, it wasn’t evil what he did. It was a moment of joy and relaxation that went on longer than he hoped. He did what was best in that moment. And what of forgiveness and love? Why must we forgive and love everyone else but not my client? Is he not part of this world, and has flaws like any other human being? Let us forgive him, and focus on what we can do now in the present moment to make things better.”

Let’s take a pause to let that beautiful defense speech sink in.

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Here are some words from Ajahn Brahm, who teaches this technique: “I paused to let “the counsel for defense” have a say. Serving this role, I thought up plausible excuses and probable explanations for the accused’s behavior. I eloquently testified to the importance and beauty of forgiveness. And then I found that the mental court of my informed conscience would no longer allow a verdict of guilty. And thus it became impossible to pass judgement on the behavior of another.”

Now, both sides have spoken.

That’s the whole story.

Yes, a goal wasn’t met. But it’s also true that it wasn’t unmet due to ill intent.

To recap the Whole Story Technique: bring in a defense attorney to speak on your behalf and the “failure” can more easily transform into an “honest mistake.”

This will put the inner critic at ease for the short-term.

But if you want him to evolve into a more understanding, supportive aspect of yourself for the long-term, you’ll need to go deeper.

You’ll need to undo his concept of blame itself.

We are talking about the inner critic CHANGING into the inner cheerleader.

Let’s get into it.

Technique Three: Letting go of blame.

Why is that in our society, it has to be someone’s fault?

“They shouldn’t think that way.” “She shouldn’t have done that.” “I shouldn’t have done this.”

We are constantly pointing fingers at someone. And most of all, ourselves.

We try to understand the world through cause and effect. “My parents raised me wrong, so I’m unhappy.”

But that’s not the whole story.

If we must point fingers, then we must also blame our parents’ parents, where our parents learned how to be parents. We must also then blame their parents, the country who taught them their ideals, the religion from which they learned morality, the horse that our great great great grandmother rode where she chance met a man who would become our great great great grandfather, and the sun for making life possible on this planet.

You get the picture.

It’s an endless cause-and-effect analysis our egos love to do that only serves to shame ourselves or others endlessly.

The only solution is to drop blame all together.

Blame is a program created so you would be distracted from what you need to do in this moment.

Blame traps us in the past, generating resentment at others or ourselves, so we become powerless in the present.

That’s what blame is, isn’t it. Powerlessness.

“I’m a victim of that thing I blame.”

Does a lioness blame anything for missing the gazelle? Does it say “I deserve a gazelle.”? Or does it try again, and focus on what it can do right now to earn that gazelle?

Cast the Blame concept out.

Replace it with this:

“Everyone is doing the best they can. I am too. We’ll all make mistakes. All we need to do is repair when possible, forgive ourselves, and keep moving forward.”

Just say this to yourself whenever you begin to blame.

Write it down and stick it somewhere you’ll see every day like your bathroom mirror.

The Depression spiral happens because when we fail, we blame ourselves or others, let the prosecuting attorney tear us a new one, give away our power, and fall into hopelessness.

By implementing the 1) Forgiveness Technique, 2) The Whole Story Technique, and 3) Letting Go of Blame Itself Technique, this spiral is starved of its fuel: blame.

Now you have the three antidotes to the Depression spiral.

However, there is a further step that you can take.

You can prevent the Depression (and all suffering) from happening in the first place.

As the Buddhist saying goes: “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”